Being dedicated to a project and seeking excellence is great but there is more.

there is a deeper form of artistic creation where the piece is part of me. it mirrors my internal world, revealing my flaws and beautiful traits

in this state, creation becomes a relationship.

for example, when I made that sewer animation I was exploring a secret internal part of myself that even I didn’t know about. where death, slime and monsters are a soothing part of the soundscape.

in this world, rats jump on skulls to get cheese but I am sitting on the edge of the sewer river, part of the sludge, playing banjo.

now comes the hard part. I wanted to make light refractions on the ceiling. that ended up being very challenging. I had to learn some difficult stuff. it took two weeks to finish this stupid detail but it worked. I did it.

why? why the hell did it matter?

because this sewer was not just some animation but a part of me! to skip this detail would be to dishonour myself

so I did it and made a cute thingy. it didn’t win me an award or earn me any money, but when I die I can show God that and say, see? I can make stuff too 😏

also it helped me grow as a person and built my confidence or whatever

I’m being silly and sarcastic here because it’s too genuine and it scares me to say it for real. but here goes:

I don’t care about animation or dungeons and dragons or piano. I am using these things as a shovel to dig my way towards emotional catharsis.

different forms of art

animation lets me share my inner visions. i’ve always had intense dreams and animation lets me share that frustratingly secret internal world. this is cathartic to me as it lets me open myself up and have others see what I see.

d&d is similar but more collaborative! I’m not just sharing MY world but welcoming friends in. they look around, rearrange the furniture and start expressing themselves. it’s beautiful to see each other thru this creativity and again, cathartic!

music is funny. years of practice and I still kinda suck which means I don’t have so much control. when I strum or play piano, I don’t really know what will happen and it taps an unconscious part of my psyche which is again, cathartic.

what if my art sucks?

sometimes it does. what does that mean for my relationship with myself?

it’s worth exploring why some of my art sucks. in my case it’s because I don’t like it. it doesn’t mean anything to me. or worse… it means something bad.

it reflects my flaws. i am distant and not present and my drawing becomes pointless doodles. I am desperate for approval and my art becomes grovelling and pathetic. I am unskilled and my banjo becomes annoying twanging. I am mean and my art becomes cruel punching down.

so what does it mean if my art sucks? it means I am flawed!

that’s okay. i am flawed

the individual piece of work is not my art project. my project is this whole life. everything I do evolves, i just have to pour myself into it.

tips for dating myself

taking this metaphor further, i want to build my relationship with myself. so here are some tips for dating from chatgpt:

• Communication: Foster open and honest communication with your partner. Listen attentively and express your thoughts and feelings clearly to avoid misunderstandings and promote understanding.

• Trust: Build a foundation of trust by being reliable, keeping your promises, and maintaining confidentiality. Trust is essential for a strong and healthy relationship.

• Respect: Show respect for your partner’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality. Treat them with kindness, consideration, and appreciation.

• Quality Time: Make time for shared activities, intimate conversations, and meaningful experiences. Regularly nurturing your connection through quality time can strengthen your bond.

• Compromise: Be willing to compromise and find mutually satisfying solutions to conflicts. Learn to understand each other’s perspectives and work together to maintain a harmonious relationship.